A person with Bipolar Disorder experiences moments of Mania, where they are euphoric, have tremendous energy, and sometimes even feel invincible. There is also a crash downward into Depression after the Manic episode occurs. Some people experience these shifts a few times a year, others can have symptoms with shifts as often as several times a day. It really depends on the person and their chemistry. Those who experience contrasting moods to the extent that they happen several times a day tend to be very restless and irritable. Auntie was one of them. One minute she would be goofing around, having fun playing with the kids, and I’d see a glimpse of the woman I remembered. The next she was annoyed, treating the kids harshly, and stomping off in a snit, leaving my husband and I looking at each other in confusion over what had just happened. Worse, the kids would be bewildered and ask, “What’d I do?” The only person in the house who was “safe” from Auntie’s moods; at least directly, was my husband. Auntie had been through several abusive relationships, and I think she had a fear of men; though she’d never admitted it. I believe that was probably the only thing that kept my husband out of the line of fire. She would come to me to complain about him instead.
Over time, I found myself dreading being home with Auntie and would find any excuse to get out by myself for a while. I didn’t recognize this woman, and I grew weary of pointless discussions that went on and on, in circles for hours, with no resolution. There was a lot of finger-pointing and blaming going on and she took absolutely no responsibility for any part in anything that happened. In her eyes she was never wrong and to hear her tell it, my husband, kids, and I were mean, horrible people who did things purposely to hurt her! I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that this woman who had known me my entire life was accusing me of acting in ways I just wasn’t capable of. The things she accused my husband and kids of doing were even worse. She acted as if she thought everyone had some hidden agenda or ulterior motive. I was constantly having to defend myself as well as my husband and kids to her and it was getting to be so surreal! I wondered when she had gotten so bitter and cynical. After all, Auntie had raised two children. Surely, she had to have experienced these kinds of things before. Why was she getting so bent out of shape over “kid stuff”??
I started going to Starbucks every morning after dropping my youngest off at preschool. I’d get my favorite coffee, pull into the parking lot across the street and sit in the car. I’d park in front of a small pond at the far end of the parking lot, the furthest away from the all stores and activity, and watch the mama ducks and their ducklings play follow the leader, while enjoying the solitude and my coffee. It was during these moments that I would try to make sense out of the things that were going on.
After a while of taking time to myself each morning, I decided to have a talk with Auntie. I couldn’t understand where her behavior was coming from and I wanted to see what we could work out to try to lessen the tension in the house. The conversation wasn’t going as I’d hoped; we were getting nowhere, and I had decided to drop the subject for the day when Auntie confided in me about her Bipolar Disorder. In the next breath she told me she didn’t need to be treated for it and she could handle it just fine on her own. She said she had been prescribed medication for her symptoms but was not taking it. When I asked her why she stopped taking the medication if the doctor felt she needed it, she said she didn’t like how it made her feel. She said she had only tried the one medication and had never gone for her follow up visit to let the doctor know how it affected her…
…next…choices part 2
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