soul posts

After months of self-reflection I was finally able to understand why it was always so hard for me to make friends as a kid, and even later on as an adult. Being empathic can have devastating effects on one’s self-esteem! Thankfully, I worked my way through it and now I have the most self-esteem and confidence I’ve ever had. I still am a very giving, compassionate person; that hasn’t changed. What has changed is I won’t let myself be taken advantage of by people who take and take, drain my energy, and make me feel used. After all, any relationship–be it friendship, a romantic relationship, or a family relationship–can be destructive if all the giving is done by one and all taking is done by the other. A healthy relationship is one that is mutually beneficial for both parties.

In the end it was the twisted perceptions of a few individuals and their insecurities that led to the moment I was fired. Couple that with the knowledge that exactly one week after I was terminated, 9 other people were laid off–not terminated–and I was a very angry and bitter person for some time afterward. I felt wronged, and spent a lot of time asking, “Why me?” I came to realize that I would never get an answer to that question and if I did, it wouldn’t be the truthful, honest answer. I already knew why, and I knew they’d never admit it. I needed to get past the fact that what they did was wrong.

It is difficult sometimes to understand what motivates people to do the things they do. I find myself wondering how they live with themselves, sleep at night, or justify that kind of behavior to themselves. A lot of people would have become bitter and cynical after everything that happened. I was for a while, but I didn’t like how I felt. That’s just not who I am. I’m not made that way. In fact, my personality was probably what made me the easy target. After all, compare me to any other person on my team at that time, and I was the one who would go without a fight, without stirring things up or making a fuss. In that regard, they were right.

That day after meeting with my manager and director, and letting them tell me their version of why I was being terminated, I simply looked at them and asked, “Are we done?” They said we were, I took off my access badge and threw it on my director’s desk. There were so many things I wanted to say, but I said nothing. I turned around, walked out of the office, grabbed my things from the cubicle I’d been sitting in, and quickly and quietly walked out. I didn’t give them the satisfaction of walking me out in front of those that would be happy to see me leave. There was one individual in particular that I purposely avoided making eye contact with on my way out. I felt she was responsible for most of the issues. She was the ring leader; the pot stirrer, the gossiper. There’s one in every place of work–the person who spends so much time worrying about what everyone else is doing that one wonders how they get their own work done. There was just something about our two personalities that didn’t mesh. I am proud to say that I was always professional and civil to her, although it was very hard at times. I was worried what I might say or do should we lock gazes on my way out. I am normally a very peaceful and friendly person, but we all have our breaking points. This person pushed my buttons consistently for 4 years attempting to get a rise out of me. With my livelihood being taken away due mostly to her years of focusing on imaginary favoritism that she thought I’d received from my former manager and acting like a spoiled child, I felt it best to avoid her. After all, she caused the course of events leading to my firing. She wasn’t only affecting me, but my family as well. I knew all along it was she who put everything into motion and ultimately took food off of my table and gifts from under the tree for my kids during the holidays. I knew that one sure way to get me riled is to put me in “mama bear” mode. It was better for us both that I steered clear of her as I left. I went out the back entrance of the administrative area, kept my head up, and didn’t look back.

As an empath, I am very emotional. That trait alone kept me from fitting into Corporate America. I kept my composure the entire walk and elevator ride down to the lobby. I lost it when I asked my manager to please make sure that the form I’d gotten from a student I just finished meeting with got submitted. I choked it back, walked out the doors, and got into my car; my mind reeling. I remember being angry with myself for not telling my director off as I’d promised myself I would when the inevitable happened. After some thought; however, I knew I did the right thing. After all, I’m sure she would have loved for me to raise hell in her office. Then she could have called security or the cops and made a huge spectacle at my expense. I’ve worked through all the emotions– anger, grief, betrayal, bitterness, and so on. I have come away from the experience with wisdom and a love of self that I never would have had otherwise. I understand now that in order for me to get to where I am today, I had to experience all of it. I had forgotten one very important fact– that life is to be lived, not survived.

…to be continued…

Jen-Author of Soul Posts

Over time, I’ve come to realize that our lives are guided every day. Call it that “little voice inside”,voice of intuition, your guardian angel, or your sixth sense. Call it whatever you like, but please heed what it says to you. That little intuitive voice, that “gut feeling” has never steered you wrong, if you think about it. But, there are times when people tend to ignore it…I too am guilty of it from time to time. At times it is because you just cannot figure out why you are feeling the way you do, and you write if off as just nerves, stress, or lack of sleep. That little voice or gut feeling will simply keep gnawing at you until you acknowledge it. I believe that it is the voice of our soul advising us through our guides, and since most of us go through life without consciously hearing our guides, these feelings can feel like they are coming out of left field. Think of it almost like a soul subliminal. Your soul speaks to you; you cannot hear it on a conscious level, but your body reacts the same as it would had someone just said that very thing to you and you were able to hear it.

What came to me that day was a simple answer, indeed: Say a prayer and then lay down the rules/law regarding the fact that I did not want anyone hitching a ride home with me and then thinking they are going to scare the wits out my kids, husband, or me.  I would wish them well, and let them know I’d “see” them again soon when I returned to work. It seemed to work.  I know that I did not have any further strange occurrences in my home during the remainder of time I was employed there.

Working doing ghost tours and obtaining evidence almost every night, did light a fire of interest in me for the paranormal.  While speaking with a friend and neighbor, I found that she had the same interests as I did and wanted to start up a paranormal group.  We founded Orange Park Paranormal in December of 2012.

We started communicating with another, more established paranormal group in the area and learned of a group investigation they were putting together at a local courthouse that used to be a jail many years ago in the late 1800’s. We jumped at the chance to attend! While there, I eagerly snapped pictures and did get some very interesting shots. During the investigation, a local medium was also in attendance.  I would find out later that she told my friend that she felt I had potential.  This intrigued me.

…to be continued…

On this particular day, as I sat on my bed trying to think of what to do, I realized that I honestly had no idea.  I thought of researching on the internet, and then decided against it.  I felt there was a part of me that already knew what I needed to do and I just needed to get in touch with that part.

Looking back to certain moments in my childhood, I can remember having some experiences that were strange, that I couldn’t explain, and that had terrified me at times. I would tell my mother about them, and she would brush it off and tell me I had an overactive imagination.  It felt better to agree, so I did, and the things that scared or intrigued me as a child ceased to happen or more realistically, I had trained myself to ignore them as I grew older.

As an adult, I only experienced things I couldn’t explain when I was in the throes of an extreme emotion, such as great stress, grief, or anger.  As a teen, I remember my mother telling me about things happening in the house during those times, and attributing them to my emotions. At the time, I thought she was joking since she had always acted so disinterested in the things I told her.

That day as I sat on my bed reflecting back on what she told me and the memories I had from when I was a child, I began to realize that it wasn’t an overactive imagination I was dealing with.  The analytical part of my mind struggled to get a grasp on what had happened. It was; however, impossible to dispute the facts.  There was no logical reason for those three raps on the bathroom door.  I was now an adult, living in my own home with my own children, and I had experienced something again.  I was no longer that child who laid in a darkened room, pulling covers up over my head to keep the “monsters” away when I heard strange noises or someone’s voice other than my parents’.

I had started meditating as a way to quell anxiety initially per a therapist’s advice in my 20’s when I experienced a panic attack at work.  I started doing it again regularly a couple of years ago, when I was again plagued with anxiety that seemed to come out of nowhere at work.   I was now in the habit of meditating daily and since I was going to anyway, I decided to try to see if I could somehow get the information I needed to stop things from following me home after work.  After about 30 minutes, I had a very clear, very simple answer.  It was so simple,  in fact, it seemed too simple. After testing it out; however, I know it works.

…to be continued…