My Induction Into Paranormal Life–Part XII

3 Jul

After months of self-reflection I was finally able to understand why it was always so hard for me to make friends as a kid, and even later on as an adult. Being empathic can have devastating effects on one’s self-esteem! Thankfully, I worked my way through it and now I have the most self-esteem and confidence I’ve ever had. I still am a very giving, compassionate person; that hasn’t changed. What has changed is I won’t let myself be taken advantage of by people who take and take, drain my energy, and make me feel used. After all, any relationship–be it friendship, a romantic relationship, or a family relationship–can be destructive if all the giving is done by one and all taking is done by the other. A healthy relationship is one that is mutually beneficial for both parties.

In the end it was the twisted perceptions of a few individuals and their insecurities that led to the moment I was fired. Couple that with the knowledge that exactly one week after I was terminated, 9 other people were laid off–not terminated–and I was a very angry and bitter person for some time afterward. I felt wronged, and spent a lot of time asking, “Why me?” I came to realize that I would never get an answer to that question and if I did, it wouldn’t be the truthful, honest answer. I already knew why, and I knew they’d never admit it. I needed to get past the fact that what they did was wrong.

It is difficult sometimes to understand what motivates people to do the things they do. I find myself wondering how they live with themselves, sleep at night, or justify that kind of behavior to themselves. A lot of people would have become bitter and cynical after everything that happened. I was for a while, but I didn’t like how I felt. That’s just not who I am. I’m not made that way. In fact, my personality was probably what made me the easy target. After all, compare me to any other person on my team at that time, and I was the one who would go without a fight, without stirring things up or making a fuss. In that regard, they were right.

That day after meeting with my manager and director, and letting them tell me their version of why I was being terminated, I simply looked at them and asked, “Are we done?” They said we were, I took off my access badge and threw it on my director’s desk. There were so many things I wanted to say, but I said nothing. I turned around, walked out of the office, grabbed my things from the cubicle I’d been sitting in, and quickly and quietly walked out. I didn’t give them the satisfaction of walking me out in front of those that would be happy to see me leave. There was one individual in particular that I purposely avoided making eye contact with on my way out. I felt she was responsible for most of the issues. She was the ring leader; the pot stirrer, the gossiper. There’s one in every place of work–the person who spends so much time worrying about what everyone else is doing that one wonders how they get their own work done. There was just something about our two personalities that didn’t mesh. I am proud to say that I was always professional and civil to her, although it was very hard at times. I was worried what I might say or do should we lock gazes on my way out. I am normally a very peaceful and friendly person, but we all have our breaking points. This person pushed my buttons consistently for 4 years attempting to get a rise out of me. With my livelihood being taken away due mostly to her years of focusing on imaginary favoritism that she thought I’d received from my former manager and acting like a spoiled child, I felt it best to avoid her. After all, she caused the course of events leading to my firing. She wasn’t only affecting me, but my family as well. I knew all along it was she who put everything into motion and ultimately took food off of my table and gifts from under the tree for my kids during the holidays. I knew that one sure way to get me riled is to put me in “mama bear” mode. It was better for us both that I steered clear of her as I left. I went out the back entrance of the administrative area, kept my head up, and didn’t look back.

As an empath, I am very emotional. That trait alone kept me from fitting into Corporate America. I kept my composure the entire walk and elevator ride down to the lobby. I lost it when I asked my manager to please make sure that the form I’d gotten from a student I just finished meeting with got submitted. I choked it back, walked out the doors, and got into my car; my mind reeling. I remember being angry with myself for not telling my director off as I’d promised myself I would when the inevitable happened. After some thought; however, I knew I did the right thing. After all, I’m sure she would have loved for me to raise hell in her office. Then she could have called security or the cops and made a huge spectacle at my expense. I’ve worked through all the emotions– anger, grief, betrayal, bitterness, and so on. I have come away from the experience with wisdom and a love of self that I never would have had otherwise. I understand now that in order for me to get to where I am today, I had to experience all of it. I had forgotten one very important fact– that life is to be lived, not survived.

…to be continued…

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4 Responses to “My Induction Into Paranormal Life–Part XII”

  1. Gary Leigh July 6, 2013 at 8:24 pm #

    One thing I have noticed. The business world is populated by petty, short-sighted and malicious people.

    This is their world.

    And every action they make defines what their lives will eventually be like.

    • ZenMamaJen July 8, 2013 at 6:57 pm #

      I hope I get to see that. I know that what you put out, returns to you. I try my best to always be the better person, but sometimes it is VERY hard.

      • Gary Leigh July 8, 2013 at 7:00 pm #

        Trust me, you really wouldn’t want to see it. It would bring you no joy. They know not what they do and need healing.

      • ZenMamaJen July 14, 2013 at 2:28 pm #

        Not even a little teensy, weensy bit of joy? Lol. Just kidding. I know you’re right. Knowing me I’d just feel bad for them, and I know I wouldn’t get any satisfaction from watching anyone suffer–whether I like them or not.

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